My New Years resolution is to embrace myself, and not explain myself. My partner summarized it for me best: bring your whole self.
I’ve found that for all of my self-advocacy and confidence, I’ve rarely brought myself into the spaces I participate in. And if I have? The friction of energy is felt even over the wi-fi.
It’s been a long time
I’ve been through a lot– walking on a sliver of time passing through the victories and traumas that shape who I am. Like gliding on the rings of Saturn.
The specific experiences aren’t my focus here– I’ve walked those lines. My reflection is that it’s terrifying for someone like me to craft reality with my hands. The gravity is immense, the world changes, and new realities ripple from my movements.
It’s terrifying for me because the experience doesn’t give me a chance to feel anything except for the resistance to my movements, leaving deep wounds, broken bones and scar-tissue.
It’s terrifying for others because they’ve no idea what’s happening, and they don’t have a chance to feel anything, except for their own reality changing, for better, or sometimes for different. And this may not be a safe process or space for them.
Why am I pushing myself through places of resistance? Why is it so personal? Why does it hurt to battle hate. Or Racism? Or Homophobia?
Fighting for the right things hurts. And ambivalence is ear piercing.
I am an advocate for hitting the pause button, to stop and reflect, and to reset my focus away from ear piercing resistance.